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Australian Gambler, my story
Intro My name is Zach 28 years old, I am a compulsive gambler from the Gold Coast, Australia. I have been gambling for close to 10 years now. My losses would be somewhere in the hundreds of thousands now without a doubt. I live a good life, I live close to the beach, have a fantastic border collie called Switch, and I have my dream job for where I am at in my career at the moment that pays me six figures. I also have a fantastic family, that are somewhat aware of the gambling problem, but definitely have no idea as to how bad it truly is. But due to gambling, I have basically not a cent to my name, and I have lost a lot of good friends, especially over the last 3-4 months. So a lot of the above has been what has been able to keep me going in life, and not look to drastic measures. I have been trying to stop gambling for the better part of three years now. Where it began Gambling started for me back when I was about 18. I had some mates that I would go down to the pub with and we would have some beers together and then go to the pokies(slot machines) and put maybe $20 through, and it seemed fun and innocent at the time. Little did I know that my addictive personality would take a hold of this and drive my life to where it currently is. My biggest weakness would be the pokies, especially once I discovered online casinos. But it was never really an issue through my early 20’s, as I usually only gambled what I could afford to lose and it never affected my day to day life such as paying bills or anti social behaviour. It was just a “casual” gamble at the time. Where it got bad It was probably around the age of 24-25 where it got really bad. I was dating a girl at the time, where from the early stages I would manage to weasal money out of her to feed my addiction of the pokies. She would lend me money or give me money not realising what the problem was. I truly took advantage of her in this situation. There were even a couple of nights where we had been drinking with friends, and she passed out to go to sleep and I would take her bank card and go withdraw $1000 or so, just so I could go play the pokies. She forced me to go to GA at one stage, I went once, but I was no where near ready to give it up. I mean why would I when I could keep syphoning money out of her? After that relationship ended, things calmed down a little bit. I was still gambling in a bad way, but I wasn’t stealing money to feed the addiction. I did it through my own means. From time to time I would need to borrow money from friends or family to keep my head afloat, but I always paid it back to them. In the last 2-3 months is where the addiction has got me real bad. I was living a bad living situation with a housemate that basically forced me to keep to myself in my room or the study. This is where I really discovered online pokies. I put $300 in, over the course of about 3-4 days I managed to get that up to around $80k. I said alright I am gonna withdrawal at least 60k of this, but going to see if I can use the other 20k to see if I can turn it into more. As online pokies have it, they really draw out the verification process. They do not make it easy to get your money. It goes without saying that within 3 days I managed to take that $80k and turn it into $0. Because I am a compulsive gambler and self control around gambling is not something that I have. The follow on effect Having gotten up to $80k, I was convinced that I could easily get up to like $10k or something. This resulted in me using money I didn’t have and borrowing money, and lying to borrow money in order to gamble. As I sit here now and write this up. I went from having no debt, to now about $5k in debt and having blown around $15-20k over the last 1-2 months. Going forward Now I sit here contemplating the road ahead of me. Here is what I have done so far - Called my bank and banned any form of gambling transactions - Installed Gameban on my phone and computer - Told a friend about my gambling and the true extent of it. - Looking into counselling and GA meetings around me. It’s a long road ahead, but I have to start somewhere.
I can’t let it go, I feel so let down: My whole story
This is a long one. It’s been 7 years, nearly 8, since I was raped at work. While there are quite a few people (now) who know parts of the story, nobody knows it all. I feel as though it’s eating me alive but nobody sees it. I wouldn’t want them to. But some days I feel like I’m on autopilot, I smile, I laugh, I fake my way through things. But this feeling just won’t go away. I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or what, but I feel like I need to unburden myself, akin to confessing my sins, although I am not religious, in the hopes that it will give me a sense of a step towards healing. Keeping it inside hasn’t helped so far. With that in mind, I’ll tell you my story. I was 25, working at a massage parlour. Yes, one of those dodgy ‘happy ending’ joints. Extended unemployment had me leaning on my partner for far too long and I was tired of not pulling my weight. I actually found the place to be one of the better jobs I’ve had in my life in terms of becoming close friends with co-workers, many of whom shared a different version of my own difficult backstory. It was also one of only two jobs where I wasn’t fired after having one of my epileptic seizures at work (had lost 3 other jobs this way up to that point). I couldn’t believe it, but I actually felt at home there, it was owned and operated by women, and I was aware that they were exploiting us all, but was able to pay my rent and make more money doing less hours which was helpful given I have bipolar disorder as well as my epilepsy, and medication and specialists are not cheap. It wasn’t unusual for a client to ask for ‘extras’ (other sexual services besides the standard hand job) but there were other girls there who did that so I didn’t feel I needed to be one of them. It wasn’t required, but the owners would look the other way if the girls wanted to make extra ‘tips’ and if anyone requested these services, I would recommend another girl who did, and had similar looks to mine, there were a couple of them. The day he came in was like any other, I overheard the phone call when the booking was made, the client arrived on time and requested intros. (Some would book with a girl, others would have a 1 min ‘introduction’ with all the girls in shift and make a selection.) I remember returning to the ‘lounge’ (our staff area where we hung out, chatted, some girls would bring a laptop and do homework as quite a few were students) thinking there was no way I’d get the booking as Amy* (name changed) often got clients who had been intro’d to both of us (she looked like me, but tanned, leaner, just overall hotter than me). Not to mention when I leaned over to shake his hand my stilletto slipped from underneath me and I kind of stumbled and made an idiot of myself. I had no sooner settled in on the couch when the receptionist came back and said ‘Lila* (not my real name or pseudo), you’re up’. On my way out of the room, Amy, stretched out on the couch said ‘I’ve had him before’ in a way that seemed like she wasn’t happy about it. I figured she wasn’t happy about me getting the cash and not her. (Note: she was not one of the girls I had a close friendship with, we weren’t enemies, but we weren’t buddies either.) The booking was for half an hour. He never asked about ‘extras’ and I feel now like I should have seen it coming. I wonder if he never asked because he wanted to be rejected, maybe that was part of the whole ‘game’. He stood close to me, leaned back, looked me up and down and put one hand on my waist to pull me in towards him. He said something to the effect of ‘you’re so sexy’ but I can’t remember precisely what. I put a hand on each of his shoulders and gently pushed him away while simultaneously stepping back and saying ‘Let’s get you on the table’. The service I provided was a topless full body massage with a ‘body slide’ (sliding breasts over the client’s back, just the once) and ‘hand relief’ (hand job to finish the booking). He laid on the table facing up (I had never seen a client who didn’t lay face down first, which made sense as I would massage their back, then front before the ‘hand relief’. I feel like I should have picked up on that too as a red flag but at the time I thought he just wanted his ‘front’ massaged, or to look at me for the whole time. I should mention at this point that we had the right to terminate any booking at our own discretion at any point without refund or question. Mind you, the house keeps the money in these cases. Clients can get overexcited so I worked on a ‘3 strike’ warning system. Less than five minutes into the massage he made a comment about my breasts and grabbed one of them. I pulled his hand away and said ‘We’re not that kind of place’ (clients were not allowed to touch us) and explained my 3-strike policy, finishing with ‘and that’s your first strike there’. It wasn’t long after that when he did it again, except instead of just reaching over, he propped himself up on the elbow closest to me, reached across and grabbed my breast firmly. I told him again: ‘We don’t do that here, that’s strike 2. One more strike and you’re out the door.’ (You still have to maintain the professional stance of not being repulsed by someone, so I did say it nicely, but nobody had ever had more than one strike from me before.) I turned and took a step away from the table to where the massage oil was kept, it was momentary but when I turned back, he was standing up. He was taller than me in my heels (I’m 6 feet in 5 1/4 inch heels) and I gently encouraged him to lie down on the table, patting it with my hand. He put both hands on the table, one either side of me, and told me to turn around. That’s when my mind started to race. He took both his hands off the table and slid them down my sides. It felt horrible but I saw a chance and turned around to face him in the hopes of slipping through the gap between him and the table and creating some distance between us to kick him out without being in arm’s reach. I wasn’t even halfway through turning around when he grabbed my right wrist with his right hand and pulled it. My arm slammed onto the table and he held it there. It felt like a microsecond between that and his left arm crushing down on my back, pinning me to the table, right arm useless, legs between his and him pressing me onto the table from behind, effectively disabling my legs as well. It happened in the blink of an eye. I knew what was about to happen and I knew that he had done this before. His attack had been too swift for someone who hadn’t had some practise. My left arm was hanging loose by my side and no help to me. And he knew it, so he didn’t bother to restrain it. He pushed on the back of my knees with his leg and they buckled even further from under me, then used his knees to push my legs apart, which were now like jelly and shaking just a bit. He pushed my underwear to the side (I worked in underwear and heels) and then it started. He rubbed his penis between my labia and pushed it against me roughly. Then he inserted it and got really rough. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of crying, I just stared at the wall and waited for it to be over. I tried to just ‘be somewhere else’ and he must have felt me ‘give up’ and relax my body. I thought if I tried to focus on relaxing my body it might hurt less. That’s when his left arm lifted off my back. He forced his left hand underneath my left arm and wrapped it around my throat. He started squeezing. I felt it get tighter and with my worst fear being a seizure (that would render me unconscious) I decided to speak before I was unable to do so with the grip he had on my throat. I had to think fast and it went something like this ‘Rapists want their victims to suffer, they want them to hurt. The last thing he wants is for me to be enjoying this, it completely negates the attack’ so I turned my head as far as I could and as suggestively as I could muster asked ‘so you enjoy this too, huh?’ trying to imply that I was enjoying it. He instantly let go of my throat and raped me as forcefully as he could until he pulled out of me and ejaculated on the towel covering the bed. He walked over to the couch where his clothes were and began to dress himself. I was paralysed and stayed leaning over the table like I was superglued there. It felt like I was. I had no idea what to do next. Or what he would do next, so I was too scared to move. I thought he would pin me down again if I tried to stand up. When I willed myself to stand up, he was fully dressed and holding everything he came with, ready to leave. I said ‘Well, I guess I’ll walk you out then’ but it sounded like somebody else saying it. It felt foggy, walking him to the door, resetting the room, the whole place looked different somehow. I went to the bathroom in a daze and once I was in the shower, had the most intense silent crying episode of my life. But I knew I couldn’t hide in there forever. I cleaned myself up, pulled it together and returned to the lounge. Amy looked at me, and I looked at her. Neither of us said a word. I always wondered if it had happened to her, too. I still do. I finished my shift and pretended nothing had happened. That was all foggy too. Just.. strange. I was pretty darn sure my job wasn’t legal (despite the owner’s explanation to the contrary) and was terrified about going to the police. I figured at best they wouldn’t believe me, at worst, I’d be the one in trouble. On top of that, I had no information about who he was and it all just seemed too daunting. I worked hard to erase it from my mind, but was unable to have sex with my partner of 5 years. He didn’t know that was my ‘new job’ (I was tired of him being responsible for my bills) and I couldn’t bear to tell him anything. I shut down, not just sexually, but emotionally, and thanks to my emotional shutdown was able to ‘zombie’ my way through several more months working that job. He found out I was working there and promptly instructed me to move out. I was shattered, but relieved I would never have to tell him what happened that day. There was a magazine circulated on a regular basis by a group that deals with sex workers (they provided free condoms and information regarding where STI testing was available, consulted with the various establishments providing any ‘sex worker’ services and notified these establishments of ‘troublemakers’). Several weeks after I was attacked, I walked into work and saw the latest issue pinned to the notice board. I had never seen one of these with anything but their logo on the front. But this one was different. My heart stopped. The front cover was him. His photo. ‘Beware: This man has recently been paroled from serving a sentence for violent rape. Repeat offender. If you see him, contact police’ It listed his name, his phone number, his last known address, and the 11 different aliases he was known to use. One of these was the same name I’d found unusual at the time of the booking, I’d even made small talk about it. I mentally tucked away this information, just in case. I had nowhere to go after my partner kicked me out but back to my parents house. But at least I had somewhere. I maintained close friendships with my ‘colleagues’ long after I left and they helped me through my breakup. I had never finished high school so had to sit an exam to go to university, but passed with flying colours and received an offer for a Bachelor of Behavioural Science, something I’d been fascinated with my whole life but never had the guts and dedication to pursue. I was back at square one life-wise and it was time for a new direction. The subject of rape came up through one of my Criminology lectures (my major was Criminal Justice, I wanted to work with juvenile offenders in rehabilitation) and I left early, shaking. I felt like everyone in the lecture hall knew. That they were looking at me, judging me. Free counselling was available to all students and I went from my Crim lecture straight to there to make an appointment. That felt like a weight off my shoulders, having committed to finding SOMEONE to TALK TO. The session was this strange juxtaposition of shame and relief. I felt lighter afterwards. I stupidly mentioned to my mother that I’d sought counselling through the Uni and was met with questions. She is a very large part of my ‘difficult background’. She wanted to know why. I told her it was private. For almost 6 hours she grilled me. About 4 hours in I broke down and told her I’d been raped. I explained where I was working and that it had occurred there. I was told ‘Well, you shouldn’t have put yourself in that position, should you?!’ The interrogation continued. Now she wanted to know the details, exactly what happened. I said I wouldn’t go into it. It was shortly after 3am that I snapped. After hours of this I couldn’t take any more and screamed in her face at the top of my lungs ‘HE BENT ME OVER A TABLE AND FUCKED ME LIKE A DOG. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!’ I broke down sobbing as I’d never heard it in my own words broken down to a brutal sentence. It was as if the penny had finally dropped. My father heard this from the other end of the house and ended the conversation, telling her to ‘just walk away’. She did, we have never spoken of it since and she has never apologised. Fast forward. I had a brief relationship (the briefest of my adult life) with a man who had the potential to be ‘the one’. If I’d met him before this, who knows. All I know is I was scared to be alone with strange men and desperately wanted to ‘get back on the horse’ with dating. I thought the longer I waited the more difficult it would be. It took a while for him to earn my trust, but earn my trust he did, and I credit him and his gentle, patient approach with me being able to reclaim my confidence and being able to enjoy sex, like I always used to before I was raped. We hit a bump in the road (I was too scared to open up the ‘where is this going?’ talk for fear of losing him) and he wasn’t opening that door either but it had been a while and I thought I had better ditch him before he had the chance to hurt me. That’s when someone I had truly loved from my past got in contact with me. We had been workmates, friends, lovers, friends again and it was the kind of connection that’s unaffected by the passage of time. He has a traumatic past and I confided in him about the rape. His father worked high up in law enforcement, my soulmate encouraged me to speak with his father regarding what had happened. His father reassured me there would be no negative consequences for me reporting this and that while it was the ‘right thing to do’ in the eyes of the law, I should only do it when, and if, I was ready. I felt empowered and he (the father) helped me through the process, from someone to talk to and ask questions, to literally taking me to the police station and waiting for me while I gave a lengthy statement that took hours. I couldn’t have done it without his support. I’m sure I never would have. By the time I made this report, it was a little over 3 years later. I had to force myself to remember but once I pushed myself, the floodgates opened. It was like it happened yesterday and I could picture every moment as I described what had transpired. I was surprised that it was only just over a year after my report that police contacted me. I attended the station for a lineup, identified my attacker, amended my statement to add extra details and drew them a map of my former workplace. I was informed that my rapist was currently serving a sentence in a maximum security prison and therefore, would definitely not be hard to find when it came time for the trial. It was then only months before I was called in to meet with the DPP and prepare for trial. I was speaking with the sergeant assigned to my case outside the DPP’s office waiting for my lift home when she said to me: ‘I don’t doubt one bit of your story. I know we’ve got the right guy and I think you can help us put him away. For good.’ A date was set for trial, then 2 weeks prior, a 6 month adjournment left me waiting on edge, prepared, but then delayed. It was a difficult 6 months, but I knew things tend to just roll around if you try not to think about them. Then, sure enough, the date came. In that 6 months, my Witness Assistance Officer had taken another job and I was suddenly left in the hands of a stranger, not the same woman who had been preparing me from the start. But it was ok. I had people in my corner. Not to mention, the sergeant was so easy to talk to and the prosecutor assigned to my case was amazing. So relaxed, supportive and helpful. Not judgemental in the least, my biggest fears alleviated. In Australia, as the accused, if you cannot afford a lawyer, one is assigned to your case, and it’s luck of the draw as to who you get. You have a choice between trial by jury, or judge alone. My rapist opted to avoid a jury and happened to be assigned a fairly prominent barrister for his defence. When the barrister’s name was mentioned in DPP meetings, it seems he had a reputation for being good at his job. While this may not have been a paying client, he was still required to defend my rapist to the best of his ability with his extensive expertise. I was offered certain choices as the ‘victim’ in the case, deciding whether the court was open to the public and the media or closed, whether or not to have a court companion (provided by Witness Assistance Services) and having a screen placed between myself and my rapist. I thought I should use these options as they were available and requested a screen, court companion and a closed court. The screen was a combination of thin strips, alternating clear and frosted glass, which meant I was still able to see him in the dock, and he was close enough that I couldn’t have reached him, but seemed as if I could have spit on his face from the witness box. We were allocated 5 days for a trial. It was completed in 6. As I gave my testimony, I was very aware that he was RIGHT THERE, although my court companion sat between the witness box and the dock, they were merely silent moral support, not allowed to speak, hold my hand or actually do anything. Purely psychological comfort. And given I had met them that morning, I found this comfort minimal at best. While I was questioned by the prosecution I could see him through the clear strips of glass, first leaning his head back against the wall, then holding his head in his hands, eventually pacing. I felt confident for the first time. I was leaving the District Courthouse when I caught sight of the prosecutor, still in her robes and wig, she was chatting with bailiffs as she walked but turned and gave me a huge smile with two enthusiastic thumbs up. I finally felt ready for the cross-examination the following day. His barrister questioned several details of my statement, looking for more details, but my account of the event was solid and I did not waiver. I had specified that the accused had 3 tattoos but while I couldn’t recall the design, I identified the location of each one. There was some discrepancy regarding the booklet I had seen (it was a ‘flyer’ to him, but I had described the cover of a booklet, the same small magazine delivered every month) and I was questioned about a newspaper article from some months ago, regarding a tweet by a prominent member of the sex worker community in my city. He gave three names, asking if I knew any of these women (one being her real name and another her pseudonym, I later found on a google search). I did not, and told him this. I also explained that I don’t use social media, had no Twitter account and was not aware of this tweet. (She had put out a social media warning about my rapist after she had been attacked by him and the police had been unable to help her. This attack had occurred shortly before my attack, and I mean a matter of weeks.) I saw one of my bosses in the witness waiting room after I was cross-examined, and a former colleague (and former close friend, I had cut all ties to the place after my report) outside of the courthouse. I don’t know who else may have been called to testify, but there were several key names in my report, I can only imagine they were also subpoenaed to testify. The wait for the verdict was tough, but I distracted myself as best I could. My daughter was about to turn 2 so we booked a quiet holiday, our first family holiday and moments after we arrived, I got the call. Apparently the judge had found me to be ‘an honest and credible witness’ but had to deliver a not guilty verdict due to the fact that while tattoos A and B were correctly identified, tattoo C was not there. (Being over his heart in my memory, perhaps I unconsciously drew a target on him in my mind.) The discrepancy regarding the flyer / magazine was the only other issue, but in hindsight, the magazine was red and the information was on white paper, the only conclusion that makes sense to me is a FLYER, GLUED TO THE FRONT OF A MAGAZINE. I was told by the prosecutor: ‘I am so sorry for this outcome, I believe it should have been different. But a case as unique as yours will stay with me. You will be remembered by me, and my staff as well, for your strength, class and integrity’. It was good of her to say, but still, it did not mend my broken heart. The judge had been forced to make this ruling as these two discrepancies left room for his ‘it was someone else’ defence and thanks to these two details it could not be proven beyond a reasonable doubt that it was him. It must have hurt, being a female judge and knowing his criminal history, but also knowing she was not allowed to be biased by it. A judge is held 100% to the confines of the law on a ruling, unlike a jury, who can vote with their gut. My guess would be previous experiences with jurors have taught him something, or that his barrister advised him this would be a gamble. This man, if you can call him that, has only appeared twice in the media that I can find. Both involved a violent home invasion, holding someone hostage in their home and repeatedly raping them. At the time that he and I crossed paths, he had been paroled after serving 4 1/2 years of a 9 year sentence for the first of these attacks (that were reported in the media, that is). He received a 10 year sentence after the next of these and will be eligible for parole in 2021. I am terrified. My daughter is not even 4 yet, making her the same age as the little boy who had a knife held to his throat by this man, to prevent his mother from screaming for help while this man raped her in front of her child. I keep thinking that he had no idea who I was, not even my real name, until I took this to the police. But now, he knows my full (real) name and my date of birth, thanks to me providing it in court under oath. He has proven he is capable of holding a grudge (the sex worker who reported him wrote a detailed article about him returning to her place of business and violently attacking her again). I wonder if I would have been better to continue to hide it, to keep trying to forget it, rather than dredge it all up, re-live it in a courtroom and possibly put myself and my family in his crosshairs in the future. I don’t know what to do. I feel so let down by the judicial system and I’ve been scrambling to increase my home security and get my name removed from the electoral roll before 2021 hits, but the pandemic has been a serious distraction. I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve with this post, but I don’t want to burden my family with this and have never told the story from start to finish to anyone. He is incredibly strong, has a history of violence against women and every reason to seek revenge on me. I’m considering changing my name by deed poll. I’m so scared for my baby girl and it’s like a waking nightmare. I just don’t know how to get over it. Sometimes I go into my backyard at night, then go straight back inside because I feel like he might appear somewhere at any moment, over the fence or from the side of the house, for instance. I hate being scared of a ghost. To those who read this entire post: Thank you.
I need some advice. I think I am in an emotionally abusive relationship but I don't know if I am right or just making things up in my mind. My partner of nearly 8 years has been calling me names like stupid, lazy, bitch, fat, idiot, for some time. He tells me I don't keep our house clean, that it's filthy. Says I never do anything around the house, that I just sit on my fat arse all day and my only contribution is doing the dishes. Tells me that I don't appreciate being a stay at home mother or the sacrifices he has made for myself and our kids. Tells me that no one else would put up with the way I am, that I am lucky to have him. Threatens that if I ever did leave him that he would keep the house and the kids. Tells me I don't know how to parent and that I just "babysit" our kids. Never tried to console me when I end up crying, just says sighs and says things like "whatever" and "not again". Encourrages our kids to calls me lazy and nasty. Coaxes the children to say how they would rather him at home and then tells me how they say these things to him. Tells me I need to work on my physical appearance and should dress up and look better with makeup. Tells me I need to study yet when I find a course and career path I want to follow it's the wrong one in his eyes, tells me I am chasing fanciful dreams and that what I want to do is a waste of time. Constantly calls me a liar and accuses me if gambling (I don't) or wasting our savings on frivolous things (I don't). Says I am only with him because we have kids and because his parents are well off. Tells me I don't think anything out properly. Says I have no control of the kids and let them run the house. Says I have no respect for the things we own that I just break and ruin everything. Says he has had to put up with me and the way I am for the better part of a decade and he is getting over it. When I did have a job offer he forced me to turn it down in retail and mocked the kind of work that I was being offered, then complains I won't get a job. It was our child's birthday the other day and he called me names multiple times, I stood up for myself a bit and asked him not to be mean and not to call me names, saying how his words negatively effect me but he just threw it back at me saying I am all about myself, that I always make everything about me. Saying I will never change and he just has to accept that. Says I treat our house like we are living in a rental property. I ended up crying nearly half the day that day and I feel terrible for it, like I ruined our child's birthday by crying instead of making the day about them and being happy and having fun all day as it should have been. I think back and so many birthdays and days meant to be happy (Christmases Easter's Halloween's family outings) he has either made myself or the kids cry. This morning he said he would be better off smoking pot again as there is always something I do wrong every day - there was a wrapper in his work pants that I obviously had forgotten to check before I put them through the washing machine. In my mind I wished be would smoke again, at least he wasn't as spiteful and nasty then. He says I make him feel frustrated and stressed. He says I am make him angry. That I am intentionally doing or not doing things to make him this way. I have my own bank account, with our kids accounts attached to mine (I put money into theirs each week for savings) he threatens to check it but never does. About 5 years ago I did use a couple of hundred dollars to pay for some stuff we needed and since then he just thinks I am spending money elsewhere, doesn't believe I am saving anything. He says I am always lying or making excuses when I try to explain or reason why something is or isn't - a few nights ago I apparently didn't hold our daughters bed base right when we were moving it, I held it in a way I could comfortably and stably hold it, he said I do things the wrong way, the unco way. In regards to the pot comment, he hasn't had anything to smoke since late December last year. I know where he kept everything for his weed stash, and I physically watched him throw it all out, he hasn't seen his weed dealer in months either. His attitude has honestly worsened since he quit, and if anything he started drinking light beers more than before. And I would be lying if I didn't have secret hopes that one day he just drank too much and didn't wake up. Deep down I know I need to do something, that I cannot continue this way but I am honestly scared. I've been making notes almost daily of the words he says to me or about our kids - he has called them stupid and idiots as well, our oldest said that she feels he treats our son better than her or me. She said she feels he only likes boys, but reality is he calls them both names and makes them cry too. And he tells me not to console them when they are crying after he has scolded them. He makes fun of my family too. Says cruel things about my mother, step-father, brother, grandparents. Be often uses a mocking and sarcastic tone to make fun of me and my family. He accuses me of talking to other guys online, which I don't, and makes comments how he thinks every male friend from my past is trying to take me away from him, which isn't true as I don't talk to any of them anymore. I have thought about leaving, my mother and step-father own a second house a few hours away but it's currently occupied by tenants right now, and honestly I have nowhere else I can go right now. He see's a psychologist himself, and I am sure he probably talks to her - and his friends he has said recently he talks to people about "our" problems. I've literally never spoken to anyone about any of our issues, ever. I've written this sort of message to ask to have posted for me in this group before and so often I've not gone through with it and deleted it. Only to bottle everything inside again. Anyway he see's a psych and she's told him he is supposedly emotionally intelligent and hyper sensitive - relating to his own issues of worry, stress, anxiety, over thinking. Our daughter said that we need to talk to other people about our problems, like how does she even know that? What makes such an innocent young girl think something so big? He snapped back he doesn't need to talk to anyone about our issues. So I know I could never even ask him to go to something like couples counseling. As for seeing a counselor myself it'll be hard with our kids being home from school this term and not really having the finances for me to be able to see someone I don't know what to do. I don't have a support system or anyone that I can talk to of any kind as slowly over the years I've lost connection with friends, I cannot open up to my family and they're all too far away to help anyway. I don't know where to go or what to do. I have no job to support myself, there are no places I can go to in Southern Adelaide as they're all closed down due to lack of funding. What did I do wrong to deserve this? He wasn't always like this. I don't want the kids to lose their parents being together but I also don't want them to grow up seeing this and thinking it's a healthy way for people to be treated. They love their dad and I know they would be heartbroken and upset without him around. I feel like I am failing my kids no matter what. I feel like I am failing my relationship. I feel like I have failed myself somehow too. I am sick of crying, sick if being sad, sick of feeling like the spot where my heart was is just an empty hole. Also yesterday he text me whole at work saying he hop a everything is okay between us, that he doesn't want the family to split up and how he said he will try to be nicer but he has stresses. I feel this is a cop out. I admit I haven't exactly been the most happy and joyful since the fight on out daughters birthday (Tuesday gone) but I haven't felt any warmth or love from him in a long time. Then this morning when I told him the kids and I love him and to have a good day he said I was lying and that if I love him I should make him feel like it. Oh and to boot last night he called our kids, who are 7 and 4 and the average weight for their height, fat and said I just feed them junk food all say long and don't give them anything nutritious to eat. I'm so sick of this. I really feel damned if I do and damned if I don't with him. I know I need to make a plan to get out. And as great as the thought of just packing the kids and running sounds I know I am not prepared or in any way ready to just split. I feel like I need to address my own lack of self esteem and confidence first, have a set plan and then enact. I'm just struggling finding a counselor in South Australia who I can at least speak to on the phone as with having kids in toe right now (kids are home from school as oldest is considered high risk if she gets the COVID-19). I have spoken to 1800RESPECT and they've given me some advice and listened as I cried and talked to them, but honestly I feel a need more to help me be stronger so I can give me kids the happiness they deserve, and show them that how he treats myself and them isn't right now should they put up with it. I'm sorry. I feel lost and alone.
I just want to open this by saying thank you to whoever has clicked to read this post. I'm really struggling with a friend right now and would appreciate absolutely any guidance. Thank you immensely in advance.I've come here for some advice on how to possibly introduce JBP and/or 12 Rules For Life to a close friend who is struggling with alcoholism and other addictions, and most probably living a life that lacks meaning.For this post, we'll call my friend Fred. TL;DRMy friend Fred (25/M) is a reckless alcoholic with no motivation to change, despite his friends and family worrying sick. Is there a particular video/podcast/etc of Jordan Peterson that I could show him as an ideal place to start?
Me
First off, I'm personally a huge admirer of JBP. I have watched/listened to over a hundred hours (easily) of his content online and in podcasts; I've read 12 Rules For Life; and I'm now even working through his Maps Of Meaning lectures, starting with the 1996 Harvard ones. I can definitely say he's helped me work on improving my life, but prior to him I wouldn't say I was in any kind of dark place, bad situation or 'rut'. My friend Fred, however, is. I just finished a degree in Counselling, and I'm currently counselling high school kids in a low-socioeconomic area of Melbourne, AUS. Unfortunately, when it's a friend that's struggling, not a stranger, it can be more difficult (and less advisable) to draw from one's counselling wisdom to assist.I've decided to post here because I read so many accounts of people getting their life together after finding Peterson, or reading 12 Rules... or watching some of his Youtube videos.
Fred
Over the last 12 months my 25 year old friend Fred has struggled with an addiction to various prescription meds. He first started using them due to back-pain, but soon began to abuse them and then purchase them off street dealers. Some months later he took up smoking cigarettes (around a pack a day), heavy drinking, gambling and would even buy cocaine here and there too. He's a relatively introverted guy, very friendly. He has lived with his father in an apartment for the last 6 years. His dad is often away for weeks on end in other states for work. This means Fred has lots of time to himself. He used to describe his abuse of painkillers at home, alone, as a means to avoid boredom. He would pass up hanging out with his friends to stay home, take a few Xanax, and watch a movie. He kept this a secret from virtually all of us.
His Alcoholism
For the past few months, alcoholism has been at the forefront of his issues. His mother moved from England to Australia recently, and given Fred's reckless behaviour, she has taken him in to live with her. When seeing him recently, he explained that "alcohol is so easy [...] because it's so socially acceptable". Although he didn't drink while with me (despite wanting to), he has been virtually drunk for some weeks now. No real break. He's seen a counsellor, for about 3 sessions but has stopped. He thinks the counsellor was crazy for asking him "why do you like drinking?"Here's the thing: He is not motivated to change. He doesn't really want to change. He has said "I'd rather just get pissed drunk all the time". When asked why, he just says "cos it's fun". He thinks everyone around him is overreacting about his drinking. Recently he broke into one of my friend's houses when no one was home, just to steal beer from him. He did this because he had no wallet, phone or keys on him, after losing them the night before while passed out in public. This was part of a 4-day bender where he slept in public or at a friends'/cousins' house each night, mostly on account of drinking so much he'd pass out somewhere. He thinks he'll "wake up" and change as soon as he hits "rock bottom". He describes "rock bottom" as losing his job and being kicked out of home. He thinks he is far far from hitting rock bottom. I think he's wrong.Currently he's secretly getting drunk at work by putting liquor into McDonald's takeaway cups and just sipping through the straw. On other days, if he isn't drinking, he'll take a few Xanax at work. I've sent him an SMS on these days and he can barely type a sentence back to respond. He has been warned about his "strange behaviour" at work already, and both his parents, who are incredibly distraught, have since taken his car keys off him. They now drive him to work when they can.
Meaning?
Fred landed a great job quite early in his life pursuing his one passion. His passion is a certain sport, which we'll call Cricket for now, and he is incredibly good at Cricket. He has received sponsorships, he enters tournaments (and used to do extremely well) and ultimately he wants to be a professional cricketer some day. His job involves partly working for a local cricket club as an instructor and partly receiving his own mentoring and training on the road to professional sportsmanship. I'm probably not doing a great job at explaining his careepassion here, but my main point is he possibly peaked early. He landed a role in the field he wants to be in at only 20-21 years old. All he had to do was practice his Cricket and show up for work. Day in, day out. With LOTS of time by himself.
He earns enough money to easily afford paying for his vices of alcohol, cigarettes, etc.
He feels that he's experienced absolutely no health concerns as a result.
Although now living with his mother, in a better environment, no one knows what to do as he'll lie to those around him if it means being able to get/stay drunk.
Also:
He has struggled with relationships, never dated a girl for more than a month really (except this one girl he dated around 5 years ago for a while)
His uncle died of alcoholism, but he doesn't think that'll happen to him.
In sum
I feel like maybe there's something in JBP's overall message that could get through to him. I know, he has to want to change before he can, but I've read so many accounts (on this Reddit alone) of people turning their life around from JBP's videos and/or his book/s. My question to those reading is: What are your thoughts? What's the best way to start with this? He's a close friend and would watch something if I told him to, and probably read something if I told him to. He knows we're worried, and doesn't want us to worry, but also isn't motivated to change/doesn't think he has a major problem yet. I could give him my copy of 12 Rules For Life...but what would I say?Is there a particular video or podcast of JBP that's worth starting with? If nothing else, I will continue to support him as my friend. I will be there for him as he needs and do things with him where we don't drink, etc. TL;DR My friend Fred (25/M) is a reckless alcoholic with no motivation to change, despite his friends and family worrying sick. Is there a particular video/podcast/etc of Jordan Peterson that I could show him as an ideal place to start? What worked for others? EDIT: I just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to read this, and also for those who commented. You've brought my attention very important things and I feel I've gained a lot from this post.
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The Counselling Channel produces videos about self-help, counselling, psychotherapy and a range of other talking therapies. We are sponsored by CPCAB, the only awarding body run by counsellors for ... Special Episode Interview with Dr Daniel Kaufmann on Gambling and Internet Gaming Disorder ... Unlimited Counseling CEs for $59 Specialty Certificates starting at $89 including #AddictionCounselor ... What happens inside the brain of a gambling addict when they make a bet - and can the secret to their addiction be found within the brain itself? BBC Panoram... About Press Copyright Contact us Creators Advertise Developers Terms Privacy Policy & Safety How YouTube works Test new features Press Copyright Contact us Creators ... Over more than 20 years, his gambling addiction cost him a fortune, his marriage and jobs – despite several interventions and counselling. Relationships counselling can help with problems about communication, conflict, intimacy and sexual difficulties, parenting issues or blended family dynamics. How to Stop Gambling addiction? I try to help You on Gambling Addiction.Few years ago I was highly addicted to hard drugs, like cocaine, Alcohol, Cigarettes,...